Karen

Slipping through my fingers

I am transported to a time, a lifetime ago when the person I was is not the person I am today. I feel the faint flickers in my tummy, reminiscent of a nervous feeling and yes, it probably is that too. The little life growing inside me a mystery but my longing to protect and love a certainty.

I know she will only be on loan for as long as she needs me and that every step she takes holding my hand will inevitably lead her further from me, slipping through my fingers. Right now, is total dependence and I treasure that feeling while simultaneously being filled with fear and terror.

I picture forward to after the birth when I cannot feel those sensations of us being as one, but instead will be able to hold her in my arms. Fast forward again and she no longer relies on my physical being for her growth. Food replaces my nurturing breasts and an emptiness fills my heart.

Fast forward again and I picture a little girl with ginger curls walking ahead of me in the peaceful street, backpack resting on her tiny shoulders and taking those first steps to school. The mist of my imagination surrounds us and for a moment the only people in the world are us, staring into each others eyes as yet more distance grows.

I feel my love for this precious girl grow and before we have even met, the guilt of not being enough and the fear of letting her go consumes me and tears roll freely down my numbing cheeks.

I am brought back to reality by the sound of a lorry tooting and realise I have slipped over to the other lane of oncoming traffic. I wave and murmur an apology as rain pelts down on my windscreen, the wiper blades working relentlessly to clear my vision as my heart works relentlessly to blur it.

The reality of what is on loan overcomes me and I realise what a gift has been bestowed upon me. The rhythmic pulsing in my lower abdomen tells of her hiccups and I long to be able to hold and comfort her. At that point I understand that every step in this magical, amazing miracle is going to be more special than the last.